They scream for no apparent reason, they refuse to help, they find fault with you and others on a regular basis, they won't listen to your directives, they get aggressive with other kids. What's up with kids who have been abused, neglected and/or abandoned?
If they're in foster care, parents struggle with their behaviors because, as they perceive it, "They're safe in our home." Teachers alike wonder why, when they try to offer a safe school environment, traumatized children still lash out at others.
Here's what's up. We're seeing the body's response to the trauma, not a willful act on the child's part. Oh boy, it's so easy to misinterpret this, especially if you've been trained to react with punishment or consequences to improve behavior. That approach only makes things worse, as you may be observing, and here's why: The "threat alarm" in the brain (amygdala) becomes hyperactive when the trauma occurs. If a child has had physical, sexual or emotional abuse, that alarm is extremely sensitive, as its one and only job is to keep the child physically and emotionally safe. It doesn't learn to turn off easily, as it's entirely dedicated to the survival of the child. So, even if the child appears to be safe at home and/or in school, the amygdala hasn't registered the safety, which takes the form of "See me! If you don't, I won't survive. If you do, I will." And if an adult inadvertently shows even the slightest threat to the child's safety i.e. raising his or her voice or grabbing the child's arm, the amygdala is back to square one. Now it's time for the adult to learn that voice raising and arm grabbing set the child's sense of safety back, instead of helping it to increase. In other words, regulate yourself in their presence.
When an adult gives a big reaction to negative behavior, the amygdala says to the child, "Mom/Dad/Teacher saw you. You're gonna survive! Do that again!" So, as adults we inadvertently reinforce the very behavior we want to prevent. After all, it's what we grew up with: punish and call attention to negativity so they learn their lesson! But it backfires when there's been trauma, a factor that has just been in the realm of public knowledge in recent years.
"Make a better choice" is such a popular advisory to children who are not in control of their behavior. Let's explore why this isn't helpful in the majority of cases.
The other part of the brain that we want to consider is the Prefrontal Cortex, where the logic, reasoning, rational thought, and planning ahead live. First, the PFC never operates at the same time as the amygdala. Often adults lead with logic, such as, "That's not how we treat others around here!" which is met with more resistance from the child. This is because the amygdala is still firing and the PFC cannot register the logic. To help it along, it's necessary to calm the amygdala first, and only then talk logic. So, saying "Make a better choice" is frequently not productive because the amygdala is still firing. This has nothing to do with choice, any more than a child with diabetes can choose to make their pancreas emit the perfect amount of insulin. Like all other organs, brains are body parts that operate without human decision-making.
When does a child have a functional Prefrontal Cortex? It's fully developed in females at 25 and in males at 23. But with trauma, the brain needs to work so hard on maintaining safety at the expense of normal developmental timelines, this is often delayed until a later age.
The good news is that we can support PFC development by asking questions instead of issuing directives. Directives are often perceived as an attempt by the adult to control the child, understandably with a trauma history - sexual, emotional and/or physical abuse are the ultimate control of another, especially when one is an adult and the other is a child. The amygdala is, again, on high alert for any signs of repeated abuse, so its message to the child is, "Do Not Let This Happen." This is where resistance to following directives, misinterpreted as an attempt at control, comes in. Asking a question can get adults to the same destination of cooperation, just down a different road than we thought.
"How do you think we should handle it when company is coming over and this room is a mess?" or "What needs to happen at 2:30 this afternoon?" or "How do you want me to let you know when it's time to end the video game?" are questions that help the child think on his/her/their own, and support the formation of logical thought in the PFC. It takes some upfront effort to use questions instead of directives, but we'll be averting the resistance that usually occurs and will also be gaining cooperation by communicating collaboration instead of control. In other words, the ROI is tremendous.
For more on Growing Good Behavior Instead of Stopping Bad Behavior, read my blog with that title. :-)
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