Of course, most of us grew up with consequences and punishments for negative behaviors, so this is what we thought parenting and teaching were. This "norm" got so ingrained in us that we never thought to question it. Then some research showed that reacting intensely to negativity brought about more negativity. What? How could this be? We always straightened up when we were afraid of our parents' and teachers' reactions (didn't we?) Well, the likelihood that we found another way to get under their skin is pretty high. Then we got out of line again and they threatened us with consequences once more, and on and on it went. We were raised on fear. Did we feel safe, seen and heard in our parents' and teachers' presence? Maybe sometimes, but not that often. Did we go on to have warm and connected relationships with our parents as we grew into adulthood, or did we feel their judgment raining down on all our decisions?
If you resonated with the questions above and you want to strengthen your relationship with your own kids and students, and see more positive behavior, read on ...
Today we understand that the brain is trying to help our kids and students survive. As mentioned in my earlier blog post, there's a threat alarm in the brain called the amygdala. It says to the child, "If mom/dad/caregiver/teacher, upon whom you are dependent for your survival, see you, you will survive. If they don't, get their attention!"
The amygdala doesn't care if it's positive or negative attention, as it's a pretty basic organ. It just wants assurance of survival, so it reacts to ANY attention from adults with, "Do that again!" This serves to perpetuate the behaviors, often the ones we don't want.
Parents often ask me, "How do we stop negative behaviors?" I answer with, "We're going to grow good behaviors instead," because a highly connected relationship with their children is the key to positive behaviors. They're creating emotional safety, which brings out the very best in their kids, often unimagined by their parents.
To accomplish this "sounds too good to be true" task, I encourage parents to dig into the good stuff and let the negativity go by the wayside. They doubt me at first, understandably. Then they try it and watch it unfold in ways they never imagined.
How do we get to this goal? By using heartfelt appreciation in this form: "I'm so glad you told me how you're feeling about my use of bad language. When you are able to trust me with how you feel, I know we're doing well because I can feel it inside."
"When you ... I feel ... because ..." is the formula for effective relationship-building (emotional safety) and improved behavior. We only use it for the good stuff, not for negativity, as we remember the amygdala's message: "Do that again!"
Heartmath Institute did research on heart-to-brain neural pathway formation. They discovered that the heart has its own neural pathways that send messages to the brain. Using heartfelt appreciation strengthens these pathways for the child's goodness (which is always there, just sometimes hidden) and allows the old negative neural pathways for negativity to die off for lack of use, as neural pathways do.
So the child now has dominating neural pathways, strengthened by repetition, for his/her/their goodness. "I'm not a good kid. I can never do anything right," gets replaced by "I'm a good kid. I can get along with my adults."
Parents and teachers have WAY more power than we realize to help children tap into their best selves because the kids are dependent on us for their very survival while they're in our care.
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