How does my child feel?

How do you know if you're on the right track to connecting with your child to assure emotional safety? With Present Moment Parenting, we use reflective listening, often referred to as "validation." It's one of the most powerful tools for helping children to feel seen, heard, and felt. This leads to a great reduction in unwanted behaviors and tells the child's threat alarm in the brain (the amygdala) that the child is safe. Once safe, the acting out is unnecessary, as its original message was "See me! I'm dependent on you for my survival, Adult!" With reflective listening, mission accomplished.

It's sometimes not clear how a child is feeling. Maybe you've even tried asking, "How do you feel right now?" and only gotten, "I DON'T KNOW!" It's true, upset children, from toddlers to teens, often don't have words for what they feel. Now how do we reflect?

We can start with, "You're feeling really upset right now." This is a fairly simple assumption when a child is not doing well.

Then, we can move on to, "You wish this wasn't happening." or "You wish ____ was happening." Examples are: "You wish Mom would let you go with friends right now," or "You wish you didn't have to stay in." Allow time to let it sink in that the child has been seen. Pause, reflect whatever comes next. Pause again, reflect again, until you see the child's body relax.

Other ways of getting to the feelings are: "If I guess how you're feeling, will you tell me if I'm right or wrong?" Be willing to be wrong, as you will get good information. Then use the child's body language to guess: "You're mad at me," or "You're confused about this situation." If you're wrong, it's just as valuable, as you have just invited the child to correct you, which may happen in a few seconds. (Please use silence here, as processing takes a bit of time, especially for upset kids.) "No, I'm frustrated!"

Thank the child for sharing the feeling. "It really helps me when you are able to tell me directly how you feel. Thank you. Anything else?"

Remember, reflective listening is not agreeing with the feelings, nor condoning them. It's seeing, hearing, and feeling the child. This is your goal. It calms the amygdala and allows the prefrontal cortex (rational part of the brain) to come online.

Yes, this requires a completely different approach than you may have thought. But believe me when I tell you that it works wonders for strengthening your relationship with your child. The upfront effort comes with enormous ROI, which is that you're helping the child feel emotionally safe and supported and ALSO, you're not dealing with nearly the number of meltdowns on the back end. When the child has felt seen, the negative behavior has lost its purpose, and harmony is yours!

For help with this or any other parenting issue, write: tina@howdoitparentthischild.com.